Sister, sit down. Let us talk.
I am not sure how we got here, but dating after being out of the game for so long is hard. Very hard.
I can only imagine the dating pool right now. Confusing. Loud. Shallow. Plenty talk, small action.
And advising young awarawa in town wanda suka gama idda.
Because in Arewa, even this morning, ana dankarawa wasu saki. No remorse. No warning. Just like that.
So please, if you are a zawara planning to date in 2026, open both eyes. Let us go.
1. No gree for any man. No gree shine your eye.
If you don’t move with sense, they will move you anyhow.
If you do not take your time, they will take advantage of you and turn you into something you never planned to be. Bakiyi a hankali ba, za a mayar dake karamar karuwa before you even understand what happened.
He will come with “haba ai ba abin da baki sani ba”
My sister, no gree.
He will use you. When he is tired, ya kara gas.
Two zero. Game over.
You are left with heartbreak, shock, shame, and silence.
He moves like nothing happened. An yi aiki da cikin yatsa.
Move slowly. Not because you are old. Because you are wise.
2. Don’t be desperate. Desperation has a smell.
These men smell desperation from afar and they will use it against you.
Even if bala’in son aure is doing you somehow, hide it well.
Do not start with “yaushe zaka turo?” before he even shows seriousness.
Please remember the suffering you suffered in your old house.
Why rush to enter another one without planning?
Plan your life first. Build your structure.
Then choose a man that fits into your new life.
Do not settle.
Do not be mumu twice.
3. Level up. Leave that circle.
Please, I beg you.
Banda dating abokin mijinki na da.
Leave that circle. Leave that environment. Leave those people.
Old circles come with old disrespect and old gossip.
You cannot glow where people remember your tears.
Move forward. Don’t be unfortunate.
4. Mute your old marriage
Your new catch does not need to know what happened in your old marriage.
“Oh he did this to me, he did that to me.”
Girl, you are giving the guy expo.
He will say ahhh, so this is what I can do and get away with it.
Some men will even do worse.
Just say:
We didn’t align. Allah yayi. We parted ways. Uban yarana ne, I wish him well.
That is all.
He does not need to know his name.
He does not need to know where he works.
Mute everything.
5. Understand love bombing.
If he comes like madness has caught him and it is only you in the world, calm down.
If he is promising heaven and earth, koda hanta da huhu, relax.
That excitement is not life.
You want clarity, not guguwar da za ta rufe miki ido.
Watch him.
Listen well.
Observe quietly.
Watch what he promises.
Watch what he delivers.
Do not be unfortunate twice.
6. Don’t shrink to be chosen
Your ex remarrying is not a timer on your destiny.
Do not reduce your standards.
Do not rush to compete.
Do not become smaller to seem acceptable.
You are not joined at the hip with your past.
Let him live his life. You must live yours with intention.
7. Never let your ex re-enter your body, no sleeping with him biko
This is non-negotiable.
No:
- hotel meetups,
- “we’re just talking,”
- emotional nostalgia disguised as closure.
A chapter cannot heal if you keep reopening it with your body.
8. Do not date a project
A project man arrives with potential, not readiness.
He says:
- “Once things settle…”
- “You inspire me…”
- “I’ve never been serious like this before.”
What he offers is future stability—not present reliability.
Example:
You begin paying “just for now.”
You help him organise his life.
You invest emotionally while he enjoys the benefits.
A grown woman dates readiness, not potential.
Love is partnership—not unpaid labour.
9. Choose consistency over chemistry
Chemistry excites, especially after emotional dryness.
But chemistry without consistency breeds anxiety.
Example:
He is amazing when present—but disappears.
Returns with sweetness.
Your nervous system stays on edge.
That is not romance.
That is emotional instability.
Consistency may feel calm—even boring—to the unhealed.
But it builds safety.
10. Boundaries are not bitterness
After divorce, women are often accused of being “too guarded.”
When a man says:
- “Why are you so careful?”
- “Not all men are like your ex.”
What he often means is: your standards inconvenience me.
A man who respects you will respect your pace.
Anyone offended by your boundaries is exposing himself.
11. Don’t be readily available
Availability without discernment is not kindness it is risk.
Being constantly accessible teaches a man that:
- your time is unlimited,
- your life is empty,
- and your boundaries are flexible.
Example:
You cancel plans easily.
You always pick calls.
You respond immediately every time.
Soon, effort drops. Familiarity replaces respect.
A woman with a full life is attractive not because she is unavailable, but because she is intentional.
Let him plan.
Let him adjust.
Let him value your time.
12. Privacy is power
Not every talking stage needs:
- family involvement,
- friends’ opinions,
- public announcements.
Oversharing crowds your judgment.
Move quietly.
Observe first.
Announce later.
13. Marriage is not the prize peace is
Marriage that comes with:
- anxiety,
- confusion,
- emotional gymnastics,
is not success.
Peace is the real achievement.
Anything that threatens it deserves questioning.
14. Watch how he handles “no”
Say no and observe.
Does he:
- respect it calmly?
- pressure you?
- withdraw affection?
A man who cannot handle a small “no” will struggle with bigger boundaries later.
Respect is demonstrated, not declared.
15. Don’t replace one cage with another
Control sometimes arrives softly:
- excessive monitoring,
- subtle jealousy,
- emotional dependency.
Freedom should expand your life—not narrow it.
Final Word, dearest Hibiscan divorcee
Divorce does not reduce a woman’s value.
But rushing, oversharing, and ignoring patterns will.
You are not late.
You are informed.
Move slowly.
Observe deeply.
Choose peace.
let the games bigin
Thank you
Thank you
this is really helpful
This is really helpful, but you see that no2 I don’t know how to go with it some times our parent will start saying we should ask when he will send his people dis and dat coz we are not to take long time in courtship and all of that wai zaurawa basa dogon zance how do you think we should handle dis ? More especially people like me da bama iya zance ba a gida ba.
Kai masha Allah. This is very thoughtful of you Malama. A daura mu akan hanya, Allah ya biya ki da gidan Aljanna. Please share more details about this ma🙏
Alhamdulillah naji dadin rubutun Nan sainaji kamar ni akewa nashiga thanks sis
Malama, people will never truly understand your points about how to date again after divorce (“zawarci”) until they become victims themselves. I followed all the comments on Facebook, and as I read them, I was silently praying that those people would never experience divorce.
Wallahil Azim, I am not a wayward person. I come from a very respectable family, and to the best of my ability, I have always tried to conduct myself with dignity and self-control. But this issue of zawarci is something else entirely. Anyone who comes around you automatically looks down on you, assuming that you are loose or that you are available for immoral behavior.
There was a day I even asked my mother, saying, “Mama, please, did I become a prostitute or a woman without morals?” That night, both my mother and I cried endlessly, even past 10 p.m., without being able to console each other. Later, she tried to comfort me and said, “Nana, please be patient. These are part of the challenges of being divorced. Continue to protect your dignity and self-respect.”
Sometimes, it is not the divorce itself that is the problem, but the societal stigma that comes with it.